How We Got Here
by FANOFFANS30
Summary: A/O pairing. Alex has everything and is about to have even more. Will everything work out? Who will help her get there? Told from Alex's POV.
1. Chapter 1

Fear, panic, sadness, disbelief. All-powerful emotions one can experience. Each attacks and infiltrates the human mind like a virus powerful yet silent, sneaking its way in, grabbing a firm hold of the synapses and neurons of the brain without the conscious mind ever knowing its there. Then when your guard is down they ignite their attack taking over your conscious thoughts controlling every move you make and every sound that escapes your lips.

I remember the feeling, I will never forget the feeling, and anyone who has been so unfortunate to experience it can never forget the feeling. There I sat in a room full of people, some looking extremely happy others throwing nervous glances at the door every couple of minutes and some looked terrified jumping every time the doors opened. In a room full of people, yet I still felt so alone, struggling with the emotions terrorizing my brain, consuming my thoughts.

How could I be here? Everything had been so right. I had the partner of my dreams, a job that was difficult at times but rewarding all the same and the apartment of my dreams. Then at the peak of it all, my wife was pregnant, something I never dreamed would happen. Everything seemed so right, but nine months later reality came crashing in. As I sat in a corner, eyes unfocused, hands shaking, cold sweat showing on my brow, and lost in my own internal struggle I failed to notice the sweet older woman standing in front of me.

"Sorry. Did you say something?" I asked refocusing my eyes.

"You look like you could use some tea, something soothing to calm the nerves." She said holding up a generic foam hot cup. My first inclination was to say no being fearful of what she may have put in the cup. My second inclination was that I must look really bad for a total stranger to approach me holding hot liquid.

"Am I that obvious?" I said smiling.

"It's expected. Everyone from spouses to grandparents to aunts to uncles, they all get nervous waiting for news. Especially when it's their first." The women said gently. "The waiting is the easy part. Trust me I've done this eight times now and I'm here waiting for the ninth. Now you're far to young to be waiting on a grandchild so are you here for a friend? Brother or sister maybe?" I hesitated at this question as I always did when people breached this subject. The older generation was becoming more and more open to same sex marriage, even same sex couples rising adopted children but same sex couples having babies no matter the means, was still very taboo and widely unaccepted. Seeing this woman's sweet understanding inquisitive eyes made me feel peaceful, as if she would not judge weather she agreed or disagreed with my situation, so I went with the truth.

"No my partner is having our first baby." Showing the true class of the older generation the woman inhaled sharply at first but managed to play it off gracefully never dropping her kind smile.

"A true first timer then." She said energetically.

"Yes. It's all very over whelming." I answered relieved that she didn't run away cursing me to hell and damnation.

"Did I hear we have a first time mommy over here?" Three other people made their way to my corner carrying drinks and several containers of snack food. I was stunned. Was this the new parent welcome wagon? "Do you mind if we join? It's always nice to have fresh new faces in here." Another older woman, clearly a grandmother and two men pulled up near by chairs.

"Nancy and I are old hats at this. I'm waiting on grandbaby number eleven." The new woman said with a laugh. "With six of my own I guess it is expected."

"Ellen and I met in this room waiting on our first grandchildren to be born, we bonded over our nerves and found it helpful to share stories about our kids and how they made it here." The women named Nancy explained. "Same with Jack here. He was waiting on his first when we met. Couldn't sit still, hoped up on caffeine, going crazy, talking to himself. We sat him down got him to tell us about the pregnancy, how he felt when he first found out, how she told him and the craziness the hormones cause. Now he is cool as a cucumber."

"It's true. Ellen and Nancy got me through the wait and made it much easier the second time." The man named Jack confirmed.

"Why are you not with your wife?" I blurted out. Horrified at my bluntness and seeming lack of impulse control I tried to quickly smooth it over by adding. "If you don't mind me asking." The man laughed shamelessly.

"I know it is unconventional but I just don't do blood. With our first labor hadn't even progressed yet when my wife started bleeding, I thought I could handle it, but before I knew it I was on the ground woozy and vomiting. The doctors recommended I wait outside for my safety. We didn't even attempt it the second time and now this time. It's safer for me to stay out here." I wasn't sure if I should laugh or feel sorry for the guy, so I went with a bemused expression.

"So tell us why you're out here not back there." Ellen said conversationally. For the second time in a short period I hesitated. Its not that I was afraid to answer, thinking about the answer sent waves of emotion crashing through me, once again over powering my conscious thoughts. As soon as I asked Jack the question, I knew that I had opened the door for similar questions. Being a lawyer this was a common tactic used to get around attorney client privilege and draw out information. However for the second time I met the sweet, understanding and kind eyes of the woman I now know to be Nancy and it put me at ease once again.

"There was some complication. I was with her, she had only just started with labor after a fall at work, then something went wrong and she passed out. Alarms started going off; doctors and nurses came running in. They pushed me out of the way telling me they were both in distress and I may have to make a choice. Save to baby or save my partner. With in minutes they wheeled her out of the room and rushed her to surgery. I was told to wait in here." I looked up from my hands where I had been staring to see four saddened and pained faces. Not sure what to say and fighting off the tears screaming to escape my eyes I looked down at my hands again. Then something unexpected happened. I felt two small, strong hands pull me into a tight hug. So warm and right it felt calming and comforting. Nancy released me and I took a deep steadying breath.

"I've been in your shoes. There is nothing easy about it. My first kid almost killed my wife. I thought I was going to lose both of them." The second man said.

"What happened? You said almost." I asked. He had experienced something similar and if his wife made it through that would greatly increase Olivia's chances; at least that was my rational.

"My first born is now three, strong and healthy and my wife is due to have our second. This will be the last for sure and it's been rough but I am happy that I have my wife, a healthy child and another one on the way." This brightened my outlook significantly. If his wife could survive, so could Olivia. She is the strongest woman I have ever met and she wanted a baby so badly she would fight through anything to have one.

"So tell us what the pregnancy was like. Was your wife a monster, never happy and always demanding things?" Nancy asked excitedly.

"Or was she super sweet and understanding wanting to do everything and not wanting to put you out?" Ellen chimed in. I laughed at their eagerness.

"A combination of both." I said failing to suppress a giggle.

"Go on tell us. We need to kill time." Ellen pleaded. Both men seemed excited two, so I gave in.

"Ok. Well it started out rocky from the start and only got worse. Almost cost my wife her job."


	2. Chapter 2

It was December and New York City was stuck in a deep freeze. For several days the temperature had not crawled above thirty and the wind was unbearable. Conditions like these made me thankful for an inside job. I sat at my desk thumbing through case files my thoughts dwelling on my partner who was stuck out in the cold picking through yet another crime scene by the East River. Looking at the clock I noticed it was almost one. Knowing I was to unfocused to accomplish anything more I gathered my coat, keys and wallet and made for the exit.

Out in the parking garage the cold slapped my exposed face making the skin instantly raw. Luckily the wind could not be felt here or else I may have frozen where I stood. Reaching my car I opened the door and pulled myself into the drivers seat. Once the engine was running it took no time for the heated seat to warm releasing the tension on my already frozen muscles.

The drive to the sixteenth precinct was uneventful and easy. Being a life long city dweller I was very adept at navigating back ally's and side streets. Armed with hot coffee for the squad, tea for Olivia and soup for her as well, I made my way into the building from the parking garage. On the third floor I found the members of the Manhattan special victims unit removing their coats, hats, gloves, scarfs and all other accessories clearly having just returned from the crime scene.

"Well I guess you guys need this worse then I thought." I said holding up the four coffees. Like a pack of rabid dogs detectives Fin, Munch, and Lake charged forward each grabbing a cup sipping the hot liquid like it was the difference between life and death.

"Man! I wish you were still our DA Alex!" Fin stated. "The new one only brings us grief and headaches." I laughed as he took several long drags of coffee.

"I'm sorry to hear that Fin. I must say though it was a worthy sacrifice." Fin shrugged in agreeance. "Speaking of what was worth it, where is Olivia?" I asked looking around hoping to spot her.

"Laying down in the crib. She almost fainted at the crime scene. Said she didn't feel well, had been puking this morning." Lake answered.

"Yeah I heard her this morning. She told me it was bad sushi from last night." I said growing concerned. "Enjoy the coffee boys." I made my way towards the back of the squad room through a set of double doors, down a short hallway before pushing softly through a single door that read "CRIB" on its frosted class window.

She was easy to spot amongst the iron and steel that filled the room. Furthest from the door Olivia lay facing the wall, a thin wool blanket covering her lower half. I approached softly not wanting to startle her; she did carry a gun after all. Once I reached the bed a breath hitched in my chest as her beautiful, sun kissed face became visible. Her long, dark brown hair lay back over her shoulders, but a portion managed to sneak across her cheek. She was peaceful in sleep and beautiful as always.

"Well are you going to hold me? I am sick after all." Her voice was gravely and tired, but still deep and husky with just the right amount of femininity.

"I didn't want to disturb you. You are sick after all." I replied coolly. She rolled over to face me. Her cheeks were flushed and she looked exhausted.

"Smart ass. Do you think you're cute? Turning my words against me?" Olivia asked playfully.

"You think I'm cute, so yes." I answered.

"I'm two tired to argue with you consoler so you win, I concede." She said. I could tell she really wasn't well amplifying my worry.

"Honey you don't look good. Do you think you should see a doctor?" I asked placing a hand on her forehead. "You're not running a fever. Do you still think it's bad sushi?" I asked skeptically.

"Yeah I do. Give me another twelve hours and I will be good as new." I was unconvinced. Olivia brought herself into a sitting position, through her legs off the bed and stood up. She swayed slightly forcing me too reach out and grab her upper arms stabilizing her.

"Wo now. Easy." I said. She grabbed my arms for a moment then released them.

"I'm fine. Just need to be more careful about what I eat. Probably need to drink more water too." She said stubbornly. "See you at home." She leaned in, kissed my cheek, crossed the room and left. Far from convinced I followed her out of the room.

"Olivia!" I called. She was halfway down the hallway already but stopped when I called.

"Chinese food ok?" I asked. She turned to look at me over her shoulder with a smile ear to ear.

"A woman who knows how to please me." She said before continuing down the hallway.

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Over the next few days' things didn't get better. Olivia was sick almost every morning and she started to have sudden and extreme mood swings. One minute she was happy and normal the next flying off the handle or bawling her eyes out. One such morning I found myself sitting on our bed being berated for leaving a towel of the bathroom floor.

"- All I do is slave away morning, noon and night keeping this place clean and livable so when you come home from work, after a hard day you don't have to do anything! Do I get any thanks? Do you ever offer to help? NO! All you think about is yourself Alexandria Cabot!" She through the towel at me then stormed out of the room. It had occurred to me what might be the cause of these mood swings, but it wasn't something I was ready to believe according to Olivia there was nothing wrong and she was perfectly ok.

I walked into the bathroom to hang the towel in its rightful spot behind the door. Afterword's I cautiously made my way into the kitchen. Olivia had made herself a bowl of oatmeal with some sliced strawberries and a muffin. She sat at our small table wearing her glasses and reading the newspaper. As I approached she looked up and smiled at me as if everything was just fine and normal.

"Feeling better?" I asked cautiously not wanting to incite another explosion.

"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. I don't know what keeps coming over me. This feeling just builds in my brain until I have to unleash, even if it is over a towel on the floor." She explained. "But all is good now and I made you breakfast." I couldn't help but smile as I made my way to the table where there was indeed a second bowel of oatmeal with strawberries and a second cup of coffee.

"Some times you amaze me Olivia." I smirked. She tried to hide her embarrassment behind her newspaper but was unsuccessful as I was able to see the rosy red color invade her cheeks before she disappeared.

I had hoped that would be the end of her outbursts and mood swings thus proving my theory of what had caused them wrong. Unfortunately the swings continued. Later that day they interfered with her work for the first time. Around two o'clock I received a call from captain Creagen asking me to meet him. While we sipped our coffee and strolled through central park we discussed how SVU was doing since my departure, the news, sports, interesting cases they had been working, all the normal banter one uses when talking to someone for the first time in a while. Although I enjoyed catching up with Creagen I could not shake the feeling that he was avoiding talking to me about why we were really having coffee.

"How's Olivia been doing?" I asked. He stopped abruptly surprised by this question. I knew right away she was the subject he was avoiding.

"What's going on Don? You felt you had to bring me out here where no one from the squad will come across us so it must be big."

"Have you noticed any changes in Liv's behavior lately?" he finally asked.

"It's hard to miss. Just this morning she screamed at me over a towel on the floor then made me breakfast." I answered. "I keep asking her about it and she says she can't explain it."

"This morning we picked up a suspect in the club gang rapes and while she was interrogating him she started crying. Just bawling her eyes out in front of the man. I hoped it was some new interrogation tactic she was trying but Fin was caught off guard by it so I figured it couldn't be. She ran out of the room and didn't come back for a couple of hours." Creagen explained. "To top it off she's fallen asleep at her desk several times over the last few weeks and always seems rundown. I thought maybe she hadn't been sleeping, putting her on edge causing her to lose control." He added.

"What was her explanation?" I asked. "Could it have anything to do with the case?" Olivia was always good at controlling her emotions in front of suspects it was surprising to me that she had lost control.

"No. She's been determined to catch the gang, driven to find leads and compassionate towards the victims, but I haven't picked up on anything unusual." Creagen answered.

"Did she explain why it happened?"

"Not really. She apologized and said she had it under control." Creagen answered. Typical Liv handle everything on her own and don't let anyone help you.

"I will talk with her tonight." I said reassuringly.

"If I get anywhere I'll let you know."

"Thanks Alex." He replied gratefully. We walked to the entrance of the park together before going in separate directions.

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That night work had taken longer then it should have causing me to arrive home after Olivia. Opening the door already spewing apologies for being late I turned to find her stretched out sound asleep on the couch. An unusual site I couldn't help but stare at her beautiful peaceful form. After a moment I came to my scenes kicking the door closed and moving in to the kitchen with the Mexican take out. Once I relieved myself of the food I made my way to the bedroom to change from my work cloths into sweats. In the bathroom I noticed a new bottle of prescription pills on the counter. Reading the label I gasped, my theory from that morning was confirmed. My legs started to shake and I had to sit down. This wasn't happening. Everything was perfect in our relationship, I loved her, I cared for her, how could she? My head was spinning and I felt nauseas. I wanted to run out to the living room slap her across the face and demanded answers. The pills did explain her behavior, but that didn't matter to me. Why hadn't she told me? I needed to calm down, breathe and think rationally. No I needed answers. Regaining control over myself I stood up, exited the bathroom and entered the living room. Olivia was starting to wake up. I sat down in the chair adjacent to the couch.

"Hey! When did you get home?" she asked rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"Only about ten minutes. Mexican food is in the kitchen." I answered coolly.

"Great. Did you already eat?" she asked sitting up.

"No I came home, changed in the bathroom, almost had a panic attack, and then sat down here." She immediately became more attentive at this statement.

"Everything ok? Something happen at work?"

"No. Nothing happened at work. Did you discover something you need to tell me about?" I asked fighting to stay calm and not start yelling.

"Alex I'm not sure-." Understanding dawned on her face before she could finish. "The bathroom?" she asked.

"Yes the bathroom. Imagine my surprise when I discovered a certain new pill bottle sitting on the counter."

"Alex I never meant for you to find out like this. It is not what you think." She said. Hearing this phrase made my blood boil, of course she knows what I am thinking! I mean it's not rocket science; there are only two ways it could have happened. She has a fifty/fifty chance of getting it right. The anger must have shown because she immediately launched into the explanation.

"Alex let me explain." She paused looking at me with large, sad puppy dog eyes waiting for permission to continue.

"Go on." I responded impatiently.

"When we separated a few months ago I made a choice. Alex you know I want children and I'm not getting any younger, so I met with a fertility doctor to discuss options and he suggested artificial insemination. So I had the procedure done. He said it would take two weeks for a definitive answer on whether or not the procedure was a success. I waited the two weeks, took a test, which came out negative. I just assumed the procedure didn't take and forgot about it. Then I started having symptoms. At first I didn't give it a second thought, but after a few days I had to think maybe I was wrong." I didn't immediately respond absorbing this information and enjoying the tidal wave of relief that she had not cheated on me with a man.

"Please Alex." She pleaded. "I want children and I want them with you. To experience the pregnancy, to raise them and guide them through life, then grow old surrounded by grandchildren. Don't you want that too?" It amazed me how attractive she was even when she pleaded with me, so desperate for my approval. I could not hide the smile as it stretched across my face. Pulling her in close I kissed her soft lips. She pulled back slightly staring into my eyes.

"Tell me what you are thinking. Please." She whispered. I pulled away sitting up straight looking very serious.

"I am not happy you hid this from me. As soon as we got back together you should have said something. Yes I want children with you and I know that, although adoption was always on the table, you wanted to have at least one biological child. So if this is how you want to do it then I am on board." Happiness was flooding through me, I would never admit to her just how happy I was at that moment.

"Yes! Alex we are going to be parents!" she squealed.

"Before you go crazy I have three questions." I said smiling ear to ear. Her shoulders dropped slightly with suspicion.

"How far along are you? Have you told anyone? And was the sperm donor good looking and smart? I mean the baby has your wonderful genes but the other half matters." She laughed hard at my last question.

"Yes he was very good looking and a law student." I raised my eyebrows at this thoroughly pleased. "I went to the doctor today he said I am twelve weeks and I haven't told anyone. Up till tonight I was in such deep denial, besides the squad would never understand." She answered slightly subdued.

"Liv you still need to tell them. Creagen thinks your dying of something serious." I told her. She started to giggle.

"Creagen thinks I'm dying? Way to assume the worst." She said. "I'd expect that from Munch or maybe Fin, but not Creagen. When did he talk to you?" I told her about the cup of coffee I had shared with Creagen, which led to a few good laughs and a considerably lighter mood.

"Are you ready for this?" She asked. Sitting there holding her hands seeing the ear to ear smile and the excitement on her face I felt nervous and unsure of what the future would hold. Nothing could have prepared me for the roller costar we had boarded.


	3. Chapter 3

Time started to fly by. Olivia was eighteen weeks pregnant before I knew it and showing. She had told the squad shortly after our conversation and despite her fears they couldn't have been happier. The mood swings had stopped making life easier for everyone and the fatigue lessoned allowing Olivia to continue working. Like any concerned partner this worried me. If she worked a desk job I wouldn't be concerned but she didn't. One particular evening my worry was increased as she told me about a new case they were working.

"So we are up too three victims. All three women lost their babies but some how survived the beating."

"Ok let me make sure I follow. Some guy is out there attacking pregnant women, beating their abdomens causing miscarriages? Have you discovered a motive? Or developed theories about why?" I asked already feeling the worry.

"Nothing solid. Elliot thinks its some guy whose wife had a miscarriage and lost it, now he's taking it out on innocent women." She answered. "Munch thinks he is an anti-feminist who doesn't think gay women should have babies together." I chocked and sputtered on the wine I had just attempted to swallow.

"WHAT?!"

"Oh come on Alex! It's Munch's theory, you know how he is." She said defensively.

"Olivia Benson! Whether he is right or not you could be a target." It always annoyed me when she down played a serious situation like this. I loved that she was tough and put others well being ahead of her own but once and awhile it would do wonders for my stress levels if she would think of herself first.

"Don't start! I can still protect myself Alex."

"I know you can but you get this hero complex when it comes to protecting victims. You don't like to put yourself first so instead put your baby first, our baby." I tried to plead with her make her see my side.

"Alex-." She started to argue but changed her mind mid sentence. "I hear you and I will be careful. I will not allow anything to happen to me or our baby." She said sincerely.

"Thank you. That is all I ask for." I leaned in, kissed her for several long minutes before sitting back again. "I was thinking the other day about our current living situation." She looked at me with an inquiring stare.

"And what about our current living situation? Are you feeling we need to make a change?" she asked.

"Well we live in a one bedroom apartment and we are about to become a family of three." I answered. She smiled surprising a laugh. "What I'm just looking to the future!"

"And I find that to be adorable, but the baby will be in our room for at least the first year so we have plenty of time." She said.

"Well fine then. I will leave the nesting to you." I said slightly hurt.

"I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me." She said. I turned my body away from her so I could lay my head on her chest gently rubbing her swollen abdomen.

"Comfortable?" she asked.

"Very."

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A few days later I was walking home from work when I passed a children's store and couldn't help but stop and stare at the window display. Cute pink outfits with lots of lace and frill made up one half while blue outfits with planes, dinosaurs, footballs and superhero's made up the second half. Olivia insisted on waiting for the baby to be born to learn the sex, I wanted to know. Where was the fun in shopping for gender-neutral cloths? I wanted so badly to buy a pink frilly dress complete with matching sweater and shoes or a baby sized three-piece suit with a vest and tie. Instead the few items we had bought were simple, cute and generic with cuddly animals or phrases like my mom loves me. Sighing deeply I tore my thoughts from the window and carried on. My next stop was the grocery store. Although we were lucky to not experience any really strange cravings yet Olivia was always hungry and never seemed to stop. I didn't blame her as she was incubating another human but the constant trips to the grocery store were becoming annoying.

When I was two blocks from home I passed a parked squad car with its windows down the two officers inside chatting away. What I herd behind their talk made me freeze and almost drop the groceries.

"All units 10-13,10-13! Corner of Broadway and fifty first street suspect armed with a knife and SVU detective down with reported injuries." The officers quickly fastened their seatbelts, turned on the lights and sirens before pulling away from the curb squealing the tires. I continued to stand there starring at the empty space. My mind was blank, struggling to comprehend the words. When my phone rang I caught-sight of the time realizing I had been standing there for quite sometime. I managed to answer by the fourth ring.

"Olivia?" I asked desperation seeping in every word.

"Yea. It's me." Her voice was tried but still the same smooth, velvety, baritone one I was used to.

"I heard over the radio."

"Ya the uniforms told me they thought they saw you and that you may have herd the call." She explained.

"I did. Is everything ok? More importantly are you ok?" I asked.

"Yeah I'm ok. The babies ok. I got into a scuffle with a prep I was chasing.

"Excuse me!? What do you mean a scuffle? Olivia did you get attacked?" My blood curdled with anger.

"Alex, please! I am just to tired to fight you." She pleaded.

"I AM NOT FIGHTING YOU! I AM WORRIED ABOUT YOU! ANSWER MY QUESTIONS!" I tried to control my anger but emotion won over. Olivia heaved a deep sigh through the phone.

"Please. Go home and I will answer every question you have when I get there." I felt my anger ebb away as I herd her speak. She had obviously had a long day and me yelling at her was not helping.

"When will you be home?" I asked far more calm.

"Creagen is making me go to the hospital to get looked at and stitched up. Probably be three or four hours." My anger level shot through the roof.

"STITCHES? YOU NEED STITCHES?! AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN BURSES AND SORENESS?!" The neighbor four blocks over likely herd my shouting. Breathing hard was making my head spin and I noticed several people peeking out windows. Feeling stupid for my outburst I quickly made my way into the lobby of the building.

"I will be home in a few hours. Please calm down so we can talk rationally when I get there."

"FINE!" I ended the call, dumped the phone into my pocket, secured the grocery bags, and then proceeded to the elevator. Olivia had no idea how big of a verbal ass chewing I was going to give her.

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As time inched by I continued to fume. _How could she down play that? She was on her way to have stitches and be "checked out", but everything is fine and I need to "calm down." She's the pregnant one, getting attacked by mad men, bleeding in the street and I'm the one who needs to calm down! How does she not know that telling me to calm down only make me less calm?_ More angry thoughts passed through my mind but with lessening ferocity. Before long rational thoughts started mixing in with the angry ones. _She was probably to busy with Creagen, IAB and every other stick demanding an explanation to explain in more detail and she did promise to explain when she got home._

"DAM IT OLIVIA! You were right." I exclaimed to the open room. I could not help but smile bringing down my anger level even more, she knew me so well.

True to her word Olivia arrived home just shy of three hours after our phone call. Any residual anger I had was gone immediately. She entered the apartment limping, cloths dirty and torn; she had a black eye and several stitches over her eyebrow. Her shoulders were slumped forward as she made her way into the living room clearly exhausted. My heart broke at the sight of her.

"Liv. Come sit down." I got to my feet closing the distance between us in a few short steps. I helped her take off her jacket, she winced as she pulled her right shoulder out of the sleeve, then helped to guide her to the couch.

"What do you need? Ice? Heat? Food or drink?" I asked gently. She leaned back against the cushions of the couch grimacing slightly. With her head back looking up at the ceiling I saw tears starting to fall down her face. I moved to the couch sitting down next to her before pulling her head to my chest and wrapping my arms around her tightly.

"Olivia talk to me, please honey."

"I was so scared! I was chasing the guy but he pulled away from me and turned the corner. When I managed to get around the corner he was gone, I was so pissed. Then as I was walking back to Elliot a door flew open and he jumped me. I fought as hard as I could but he kept trying to hit my stomach so I protected myself instead. I felt so helpless and weak, that seemed to spur him on. If Fin and Elliot weren't as close as they were he would have beaten the baby out of me." Silent tears continued to fall down her cheeks leaving shiny trails in their wake. "The entire time he was beating on me all I thought about was protecting the baby, then when I was at the hospital I realized just how selfish that was of me."

"You did your job Olivia, you stayed alive and came home to me. Remember we agreed that was your top priority." I squeezed her tighter and planted several kisses on the top of her head.

"Yes I remember." She answered softly.

"All that matters is that you got your bruised, beaten, pregnant butt home to me. Now we are together and holding each other.

"If you say so dear!" she quipped. "I think I am going to sleep right here tonight." She smiled nuzzling her head deeper into my chest.

"You wont hear me complain. I was thinking though, maybe it is time you thought about asking Creagen for a desk assignment." I tried to be sly and conversational with this suggestion.

"Already done. As of tomorrow morning I am officially on desk duty until maternity leave starts. Elliot wasn't all to pleased but he gets it." She said. I immediately felt lighter, more at ease, one less worry to shoulder.

"Elliot should understand with four kids running around." I said playfully.

"True." She said softly. Within minutes we were both sleep wrapped in each other's arms.


	4. Chapter 4

Turns out Olivia started desk duty just at the right time. As she moved into the third trimester she really started to grow, fast, slowing her down quite a bit. There was also the growing frequency in which she needed to use the bathroom. No longer in the field meant Olivia was home every evening for dinner and most Saturday and Sundays. This brought me the most joy being able to spend the time shopping for all the necessary baby supplies like cribs, high chairs, strollers, changing tables and bouncy seats. It became evident very quickly that our apartment was simply not big enough. It took many attempts at arranging the furniture to totally satisfy Olivia. Several Sundays were spent with her sitting on the couch; swollen ankles propped up on pillows directing me were to put things.

"How about over by the island?" she suggested.

"Liv we tried over there already." I wined. She would never understand just how tiring it was to constantly move the furniture by your self. "It's fine where it is." I said exasperated. "I think this just proves how dire our need for a bigger apartment is." I walked over to the couch picked up her feet, sat down where they had been sitting then rested them on my lap.

"A new apartment? But you love it here." She said.

"I'm comfortable here." I corrected. "I LOVE you! Besides we need OUR place, one that we choose together, not the apartment formally known as mine." She giggled at my reference.

"If you think its necessary I'll go along with it." Olivia said non-chalantly. She wasn't fooling me though. I could tell Olivia was just itching to pick-up the iPad and start searching straight away.

"Lets get through the birth and first few months of being parents before making more life altering decisions." I suggested. The excitement quickly left her face. "But there is no reason we cant start looking now, OUR dream home may be waiting for us right now." I said. She squealed with delight retrieving the iPad.

"I had hoped you would say that." I laughed at her gorgeous features as they glowed with excitement.

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As the weeks crept on the morning sickness, fatigue and worst of all the mood swings returned with a vengeance Every morning I would hold Olivia's hair back while she vomited. During that time I would try to convince her to take maternity leave early she could rest but every time she would pull herself to her feet use her large belly to push past me then waddle her way out of the apartment never so much as uttering a word to me. Being the protective partner that I am I would wait ten minutes or so, the time it took her to make it down stairs, then follow behind catching her as she reached the bus stop. I would apologize, tell her I trusted her judgment and knew when the time was right she would tell me, we would then hug and I would drive her to work.

By time she reached thirty-eight weeks that was still our morning routine. One morning after dropping her off I realized she had left her bag in the back seat. Knowing she would be looking for it I turned around and headed back to the parking garage were I saw Captain Creagen step out of the elevators on his way to his squad car.

"Hey Don!" I called through the window. He immediately stopped walking and turned to find the source of the noise.

"Alex? Long time no see." He said approaching the car.

"Yeah I know. Homicide keeps me busy and Olivia's been keeping me busy." I said with a smile.

"I can imagine. She's nearly forty weeks isn't she? The squad started taking bets on weather she'll deliver in the squad room or at a scene." He said chuckling. At first I chuckled along but then his words set in.

"What do you mean at a scene?" I asked. He immediately stopped chuckling and dropped his smile.

"You didn't know she is still working cases?" he asked.

"I know she is still working cases but she told me it was from a desk and that she hadn't been in the field since she got attacked. I don't understand then how has she been getting home for dinner every night?"

"She told us that was the only way you would allow her to keep working." He explained. "We have been trying to convince her to slow down but you know how much of a hard head she is. I even threatened to suspend her."

"How did she react to that?" I asked slightly amused.

"She threatened to turn me into HR for gender inequality." he answered.

"Sounds like a mood swing. Good thing you didn't press she was likely dead serious. So where is she now? I need an explanation for her laying to me." My amusement quickly left replaced by anger and disappointment. Creagen did not immediately answer but from the guilty look on his face I knew I wasn't going to like the answer.

"Alex I sent her to a scene. DB found raped with a needle in her arm in an ally off of east fifty Fourth Street and second ave. Sounded like a hooker who did a john then over dosed." He answered. "I've been throwing her softballs since the attack trying to keep her from over exerting herself if that's any consolation. This one sounded straight forward." I could tell he was being sincere and honest.

"I don't blame you Don. I just which she would stop laying to me. I know she thinks she is protecting me but it only makes the situation worse." I could feel myself starting to break down. _How do people deal with this stress? First the ups and downs and twists of the pregnancy which lasts for nine long months, then before you get a breath the stress of parenthood wears you down for eighteen plus years!_ Lost in my thoughts and trying not to break down in front of Olivia's boss I did not notice that Creagen had retrieved his phone from his pocket and was now on it listening intently. I watched as his features changed from shock to anger before settling on fear. With fear issuing from every line on his face he finally spoke.

"And they took her where? No don't brother she's sitting here talking to me. I'll bring her over." He ended the call and returned the phone to his pocket. He looked at me with intense eyes that sent chills down my back.

"Alex let me drive." He said. Between the way he spoke and the look he was giving me I did as he said getting out of the drivers seat and hustling around to the passenger side. By the time I was in he already had the car in drive.

"Olivia's hurt again isn't she?" I asked as he pulled forward squealing the tires. Creagen did not answer right away instead focusing on the road ahead. Even without a siren he exceeded the speed limit, blew through intersections and wove in and out of traffic.

"Did she get attacked again?" I asked searching for answers.

"No she didn't. The uni at the scene said she slipped down a flight of stairs looking for evidence." Creagen replied.

"Oh my god! The fall may have included labor." The realization sent another wave of chills down my spine. Now not only was my partner in danger, but our baby was also at risk. "Don please get us there." He obliged by slamming the gas to the floor pushing the car to its limit.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When we finally reached the hospital my mind was racing with thoughts and scenario's, all with the same terrible outcome.

"Come on Alex they took her up to labor and delivery." Creagen grabbed my upper arm gently steering me towards the elevators. My mind continued to produce scenario after scenario leaving me numb. I payed no attention to Creagen or the other people around me; I must have looked like a zombie. Creagen led me onto the maternity ward, down several hallways before stopping in front of the last room.

"Alex you go on ahead. I'm going to talk to the officer out here." Unable to find words I settled for nodding. He seemed concerned but satisfied enough by this response to walk away from me with the uniformed officer. I took a moment to try to clear my thoughts but it was no use, until I saw her mind kept coming up with scenarios. So with a deep breath I pushed open the door, stepped into the room, then around the curtain.

"You know we were supposed to do this together remember? At home snuggling together, you start to feel the contractions, I run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to remember the bags, the keys, the car seat all while keeping you calm."

"I know! Its not like I planned this. Stupid stomach got in my line of sight, I never saw the stairs." She sighed. I crossed the room to the bedside. "And I was looking forward to the cuddling and you running around like a chicken with its head cut off." She said sympathy. Even sitting there in her hospital bed, swollen stomach, looking exhausted I couldn't help but smile at her.

"It's ok. You can ask Creagen later, but I think my reaction was better then a chicken with its head cut off." I said.

"What could be better then you freaking out?" she asked. "I mean being the ice queen and all I am certain you never once freaked out over anything. Always cool, calm, and collected." She said. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at this statement. To this day I have no idea who came up with the name ice queen, but it had stuck.

"Well then I lived up to my name because I froze. Creagen nearly had to carry me up here." She started to laugh only to grimace in pain.

"Liv what's wrong?" I asked aware of the sharp rise in panic in my voice.

"Nothing serious, just a contraction." She breathed through gritted teeth.

"Ok, Ok just breathe and visualize…." I started to ramble trying to control my own breathing but Olivia stopped me.

"Babe just hold my hand until it's over." I was in awe; even in child labor Olivia was calm, cool, and in charge of the situation.

"I can do that." I responded taking the hand she had offered me.

For the next five or six hours I held her hand while she squeezed through every contraction. Olivia continued to be my rock telling me exactly what to do and when to do it.

"Honey could you rub my back please." She asked. She was lying on her left side facing the chair I occupied.

"Happily." I left my chair, than staying on the same side of the bed reached over her and started massaging the small of her back.

"Mmmm, perfect." She moaned. "Work your way up and down please."

"As you whish." I responded. "Like this?"

"Mmmm, yeah that's great." I smiled into my shoulder so she couldn't see my face, I couldn't help but take pleasure in her pleasure. My thoughts wondered to romantic moments we had spent together.

"Alex?" she whispered bringing me back to the present.

"Yes my love?" I whispered.

"You're massaging my butt."

"I'm massaging your-?" I looked down at my right hand placement and immediately stopped its movement.

"Not that I'm not enjoying it, but I'm really not in the mood and my back really hurts."

"Of course. I'm Sorry. How about now?" I asked moving my hand north once again.

"Mmmm. It feels nice but the pain is getting worse." She spoke so quietly I almost missed what she was saying.

"Do you think it's a contraction building?" I asked with concern.

"It doesn't feel the same. OOOOH! AHHHHHHH!" she screamed out squeezing my left hand so hard I was sure she had broken something.

"Liv what's wrong? Does it hurt?" I forced my voice to be calm not wanting to add to the stress.

"Alex…. I…. lo…lo…. ve-." her eyes rolled back into her head as the monitor's alarms all around started making a tremendous amount of noise.

"OLIVIA?! Olivia baby, talk to me." I knew it was no use, but my mind had come to a screeching halt. The hand I held in my left had slackened no longer crushing my bones. "Liv don't leave me! Please! You are more important then this baby." I cried unable to stop the tears. Several nurses and doctors rushed into the room. One grabbed my elbow roughly dragging me away from the bed.

"Mom is crashing, we need to deliver NOW! Call the OR for a room and the NICU for a resuscitation team." One of the doctors called out to the chaotic room. I watched through blurred, tear soaked eyes as Olivia was rushed from the room. As the group passed one doctor removed himself and turned to face me.

"Mam are you and your partner married?" he asked. I am not sure how I managed to respond as my mind was still frozen.

"No, but I have power of attorney."

"Ok good. I know a lot of stuff is happening and your scared but I need to know, if we can only save one of them, which one should we save?" That was the question no soon to be parent wanted to hear and for most would never be able to make a decision, but I had spoken the answer so quickly the doctor was taken aback.

"Olivia. Please, she is my world, I can't imagine my life with out her, and I need her."

"Ok. I will have a nurse show you to the waiting room. As soon as we know I'll come find you." The doctor recovered quickly from his momentary shock, turned and ran from the room. Looking around the now large empty space where minutes before my world had laid, glowing with excitement over finally becoming a mother. I attempted to slow the sudden surge of horrible scenarios racing through my mind yet again.

"God PLEASE! I cant live without her! Keep her here with me." I said aloud to the empty room.


	5. Chapter 5

I took a deep breath and wiped a tear from my eye. Ellen, Nancy, Jack and the other man were still all seated in chairs around me.

"And now I'm here waiting." No one spoke for several seconds. Nancy handed me a tissue and patted my elbow softly.

"They will both come through just fine dear, I'm sure of it." The rest of the group echoed the same sentiment. Before I could thank them the room door opened. Every head turned and watched the scrub clad doctor enter the room.

"Miss Cabot?" he called to the room. My heart raced even harder then it had ever before. I tried to read his facial expressions for some clue as to how good or bad the news was going to be.

"Alex Cabot?" the doctor called again.

"Right here!" Nancy answered for me as I struggled to pull together words. "Go on now sugar. Go meet your child and give your wife a kiss from a couple of seasoned grandma's."

"Would you come with me please?" The doctor said holding the door opened. Taking yet another deep breath I stood from my seat and started towards the door focusing on the doctor and the open door.

"Just breathe dear. Just breathe." Ellen said giving my hand a reassuring pat. I paused momentarily managing to face the little group and nod. I felt bad wanting to do or say more but not having the ability.

I reached the door and stepped into the hallway. The white walls and antiseptic smell did nothing to calm my nerves. The doctor followed me out then indicated for me to follow him. We walked a short distance to a well-lit area with several floor to ceiling windows sunk back creating alcoves; I stepped into one of the alcoves.

"Ms. Cabot my name is doctor Corbett. I'm the OBGYN who preformed the C-section on your partner." He spoke fast with a flat emotionless drone, as if he was board and had better places to be.

"When she was first admitted our examination showed no signs of abdominal trauma from the fall just some scrapes, bruises and a few small contractions. Everything with the baby was fine and being at forty weeks the contractions were not an issue and may have even been a relief. However we missed a small laceration to the spleen, most likely from some sort of knife being stabbed into her abdomen, that was slowly leaking blood into the abdominal cavity. Once two much blood collected in her abdomen her heart started to slow and eventually stopped stressing out the baby. We had to make a decision to either get the baby out first or work to restart your partners heart." My breathing started to become erratic making me light headed. I wished like hell he would just tell me if my partner and baby were dead or alive no matter the condition before I passed out.

"Fortunately we were able to get your partners heart beating again quickly and with minimal toxic drug usage, some fluids and a few blood transfusions allowing us to remove the baby then tend to the hole in her spleen.

"So that means?" I chocked out.

"It means your partner is going to be fine and so is you baby boy." He answered with a hit of happiness in his tone and even a small smile.

"Boy? So their both ok? My partner and…. and…. our….so…son?" My brain was struggling to comprehend, last time I had seen Olivia she was near death and nurses were telling me they would be luckily to save one let alone both and I needed to prepare myself. Now I have both.

"Your partner is still in recovery and will be for another few hours then she will be moved to telemetry. Your son is in the new born nursery if you would like to see him." The doctor finished.

"Yes. Please." I whispered choking back tears.

"I'll show you were it is." I followed sobbing silently behind him letting everything wash over me; on the brink of losing everything I now had everything, fate had an evil sense of humor.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Several hours later I walked circles around a large private room, rocking and cradling my beautiful baby boy as he slept. Olivia lay in the only bed in the room having not yet woken up from surgery but she had been weaned off the ventilator and all her vitals were stable so they moved her down to the telemetry ward. The nurses from the newborn nursery had brought up a bassinet for the baby so they could be in the same room. I felt exhausted and energized at the same time. Everything had spiraled down so quickly I felt like passing out, just leaving reality to be in my own world, holding Olivia, spending every minute with her. Then it spiraled back up even faster and I had trouble believing it. It wasn't until the nurse in the newborn nursery handed me the little bundle now snuggled in my arms did it sink in; I had my partner and baby.

As I hummed a lullaby and circled the room the baby let out a small momentary cry as he tried to stretch his little limbs before slipping back into a slumber.

"Shhh. Your safe momma's got you." I whispered to him. A louder moan filled the room. Lost in my mother baby moment I looked down thinking it had come from him, only he was sound asleep. Then a weak, horse voice tried to speak and I remembered we were not alone in the room.

"Al….Ale…x…Alex." I crossed the room quickly to reach her bedside.

"Yeah baby I'm right here." She opened her eyes, blinking several times to clear the fog. "You're doing really good. You've been asleep for awhile." I said soothingly. She let her eyes roam around the room before resting on me. Her hands moved to her stomach and I could see the fear rising in her eyes.

"Its ok. Remember when you were jumped a few months back by that suspect you chased, well you neglected to mention that he stabbed you as well as kicked and punched you. The doctors said you had a small knife wound in your spleen that was slowly leaking blood into your abdominal cavity. You lost so much blood your heart stopped and the baby was in distress so they took you to surgery." I explained. "But everything is all good now." I could still see fear rising in her eyes and I knew she needed some sort of evidence that I was telling her the truth.

"Here hold this for a few minutes while I tell the nurses that your awake." Without further warning or explanation I placed the baby on her chest, kissed both of their foreheads then left the room grinning ear to ear.

When I returned I found Olivia with her arms wrapped tightly around the baby, both fast asleep.

"Well she was awake." I said quietly to the nurse.

"No big deal. I'll make a note in her chart. Just buzz me when she's awake again and ill come back." The nurse responded already starting the note on the chart. "Have you chosen a name for the baby yet?"

"We will when she wakes up." I answered. She finished her note, took a quick look at the monitors before leaving the room. I pulled the chair as close to the bed as possible then attempted to remove the baby from Olivia's arms so she could sleep more comfortably, but when I tried to lift her arms snapped down like a spring trap.

"Don't you dare." She whispered.

"Honey you need to rest. I promise he will be right here when you wake up and you can have him right back." I said gently.

"Do you promise?" she asked already loosening her grip.

"On my honor." I said holding up my left hand.

"Ok counselor." She replied letting go completely allowing me to take the baby. I settled back down into the chair.

"He needs a name." Olivia said, her eyes still closed and her voice just barely above a whisper.

"What baby boy Benson isn't good enough?" I quipped.

"Ha ha ha." She mocked. "I was thinking Cabot Benson."

"Name our baby with two last names? And why is he a Benson?" I asked.

"I gave birth so to him so he carries my last name. When you give birth to the next one it can have your last name, that way both our last names will carry on." She opened her eyes for a moment taking in my stunned expression. Hearing her suggest another child already, after the current one almost got her killed twice, and that she expected me to carry it was a shock but not wanting to go there right now I refocused the conversation to naming the baby.

"How about Benson Cabot? We can call him Ben." I suggested slowly stroking his cheek. Olivia stayed silent for so long I figured she had fallen asleep and we would have to finish the conversation later until she spoke up with the strongest voice she could muster.

"Benson Dean Cabot. We can call him Ben but if later in life he hates us he can go by Dean if he wants to or BD. Plus it sounds nice together, rolls off the tongue easy."

"Are you sure? You don't mind giving up the last name? You said you wanted him to have it." I asked. Inside my heart was ready to explode with excitement but I needed to be reassured that she really was ok with the name.

"Forget the last name, he has my name first." She responded her voice returning to a whisper.

"Ok. Benson Dean Cabot it is then." I couldn't help but smile ear to ear as I held Ben tightly to me with one arm and with the other held Olivia's hand. "I love you both so much." Tears started to fall down my cheeks and I did nothing to stop them. Although the circumstances were not ideal I sat there holding the two most precious things in my world, everything had worked out. As Olivia drifted off to sleep in my arms I made a mental reminder to thank Ellen, Nancy and the two men for listening and helping me through it all and to tell Nancy she was right all along.


End file.
